Am I Strong Enough

I can't think of anything I would rather do with my life than be a mom. Sure I love my career, spending time with friends and running but there is nothing that gives me the same feeling of accomplishment or happiness than watching my son learn and grow. The truth is that he makes me a better person. I strive to learn more, accomplish more, be kinder, live with integrity, have compassion, make the world a better place and care for myself more than I ever would without him in my life. He is my litmus test when I need to make decisions and is to whom I hold myself accountable.

I often think of who I'd be without him and I really don't know. Would I have challenged myself as much? Become as strong and independent? Accomplished as much? I'm certain the question is no. The truth is, I think I would have settled for a life much different than the one I have now because I never thought I deserved much. Having him made me realize that I couldn't settle because he deserved the best I could possibly give him.

Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a mom and I'd daydream about what my children would be like. However, in my wildest dreams I never could have imagined Colton. He seems to have gotten the best genes that his father and I had to give. He's incredibly smart, funny, kind-hearted and self-confident. He's fiercely independent and outspoken and doesn't hesitate to debate his point of view. He is magnificent.

With the time ticking away at an ever increasing pace, I often feel like I'm hanging onto a rope, digging my heels into the ground, trying to stop a freight train. I can't slow time down, I can't freeze him for just a little while longer...I've got to figure out how to let go of my child so he feels ok letting go of me. His steps into the world will be exciting and scary and he needs to be able to focus on that and not on whether or not his mom will fall apart without him. I hope I'm strong enough to do that.

Stepping into the Unknown

Seventeen years ago, I met someone that would forever change my life. The first time I held my son in my arms was the most amazing moment. I could never have imagined that it was possible to love someone that much. Without question or hesitation, I knew that I loved him more than I loved myself and that I would give anything to keep him safe, make him happy and to watch him grow into a young man. During the sleepless nights that followed me home from the hospital, the worrying that comes with being a good parent and the sports and activities that my son participates in, made it seem like high school graduation was a lifetime away. But it isn't.

Graduation snuck up on me and is now less than a year away. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry most days and that is why I'm writing this blog. I waver from incredible feelings of pride and happiness to sadness that my son will be going off to college to fear of what in the world I'm suppose to do with myself after he's moved into the dorm.

I know I'm not the first parent to go through this and am hoping that those of you that have been through this can post how you felt and how you coped and that those fellow "senior" parents can find an outlet for your feelings and questions too.